Most recently it was “Aweseom”…. i pronounce it “Awe-See-Ohm” and i use it when something is TRULY FUCKING AWESEOM.

I used to get annoyed when people would type “hahahahah” because of that “H” on the end… somehow the H seemed lazy to me and insincere… “Breathy.” But now i totally don’t care. Sometimes i write “haaahahahhhha” when i’m in a hurry… Or sometimes i type “ahahah” instead of “hahaha” when i want to sound like the Count from Sesame Street. I don’t care about being proper anymore. Fuck proper. Proper is so 80s. We type with our thumbs now while driving. We don’t have time to backspace.

Anyhow… i also used to hate it when people would say “HAW”… this goes WAYYY back to childhood and comic strips. When a character would say “HAW” it seems condescending to me… it reads like something a donkey would say to you. Recently Becky pointed out to me that “Heh” is kinda snarky-sounding too… so instead of saying “heh” i switched to “HAW” just for shits and giggles… but now i am totally addicted to “HAW”… “HAW” is the new “HEH”… i’m telling you. If you’re saying it and not typing it, try slightly inverting the A and the W so it sounds kinda like “HWAH!”… kinda like how New Yorkers say “Hot Dwog”…. it sounds EXTRA condescending this way, trust me.

Funny thing is… this is how i end up adopting most slang terms that i use. I rarely pick up a new slang word because i like it from the get-go. Usually it starts with me and a friend mimicking someone who uses the word too much… after 1 week the mimicking becomes so frequent that there is really no difference. You are now using the word. A LOT. And after 2 weeks you come to embrace it.

Like when “Off the Hook” came out… I couldn’t believe how many times my friends Dylan and Cliff could say it in a minute and ACTUALLY BE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING…

Cliff: Here dude. (handing the bong to dylan) off the hook –(Translation: you’re right. this pot is marvelous)
Dylan: oh man… (declining the handoff with a gesture) i’m off the hook. –(Translation: no thank you. I am already very high)
Cliff: Is you off the hook? –(Are you serious?)
Dylan: I’m off the hook. –(Yes)
Cliff: Damn that’s off the hook. –(Yes. Wow. This weed is remarkable!)
Me: Off the hook… –(You clowns are fucking retarded)

A week of mimicking this shit led to me using it just as frequently for almost a year. This is what linguist Martin Edwardes refers to as a “portmanteau word”… a word that can be used in place of any other concrete noun… (or in this case, an adjective)…

Portmaneau words are commonly found in the ever-expanding list of annoying business buzzwords… A great example of this is the word “Leverage”… “Leverage” is not a fucking verb. But it is used around the office here as such… and about as frequently as “off the hook” was used by my friends…

“hey can you leverage the circles on slide 6?”

What the fuck does that even mean?
Do you want me to apply the color and stroke-width of the circle theme elsewhere?
Do you want me to apply force to them with a bar or lever?
Or do you want me to take the look and feel of the circles and use them to apply leverage to my argument that this project sucks?

-Edwardes: “Just as whatsit can be used in place of any other concrete noun, so leverage can be used in place of almost any activity verb. This, of course, can lead to confusion (as is the case for whatsit): if an organisation is “leveraging a project” we cannot know, without other defining reference, whether they are starting it, ending it, or performing some intermediate process. But, at the same time, this obfuscatory aspect of the verb is an important part of its function and meaning … It is one of the useful little white lies that allow the business world to keep turning.”

Here’s a GREAT page from the author on the moronic use of “Spend” as a noun:
leveragethis.wordpress.com/2007…t-104

And don’t even get me started on “Capex.” Just like George Carlin said… “When people want something to sound more important, they just add syllables… once i heard the weatherman talk about a ‘rain event’… ‘man’ i thought… ‘i gotta get tickets to THAT!’”

Leverage –(alternatively: “use”)
Spend –(alternatively: “cost”)
Decisioning –(alternatively: “making choices”)
EOD and COB –(alternatively: “5:00″)
Bandwidth –(alternatively: “free time”)
Eyeballs –(alternatively: “visitors”)
Sync-up –(alternatively: “meet”)

Heh…

or HAW, rather…

Language is full of fun games, plays-on-words, pet-peeves and hoity-toity rules. There are even full “portmanteau” sentences! My least favorite of which is “Working Hard or Hardly Working?”…. At first glance, it’s a simple play on words… the joke and the punchline in one sentence… but we’ve all heard it a million times now. So It’s BECOME the catch-phrase of every corporate asshat who has nothing productive to say and nothing real to talk about. It’s a shortcut-to-thinking and is, in it’s very essence, nothing but slang… Just like Joe Executive who passes you in the hall and says “Another day in paradise?” Yes asshole. I mean No. Say something of substance. Make conversation. Even if you said “TGIF” it would at least tell me a bit about how you feel, who you are, and what day it is. Thanks for wasting my time. Your shit’s off the hook, fo RILLA.