When Life Hands You Shrimp Ramen… Make Seafood Bisque.

Thanks to budget cuts, our cupboards at work are getting barer by the day. The nuts and raisins bin is empty. The multi-grain bread has been replaced with a sad solitary loaf of generic white bread. And the somehow-mandatory supply of chicken flavored cup-o-noodles has been replenished with the most ridiculous collection of shrimp flavored cup-o-noodles i’ve ever seen. Old Mother Hubbard is having a laugh at me. It’s the same price right? Why shrimp? In case an auditor comes through here and looks in the cupboards? “yup… they’re not splurging… nobody would buy shrimp cup-o-noodles voluntarily.”

Anyway… my coworker and i have been joking about it ever since we found this recipe online… so she says to me “Hey i think you KNOW what this means. The universe is trying to tell you to make that bisque.”

“Dammit” i say. For she is right.

Here’s how it works:
1. go to kitchen and open shrimp cup o noodle package
2. peel back lid.
3. pour milk into cup up to line.
4. shake head in disbelief.
5. covertly stand in front of microwave so nobody sees what you’re doing.
6. clean up milk that has boiled over and reduce power of microwave to 50%
7. add a little water
8. throw away epic failure of a lunch… start over.
9. eat some chips while “bisque” cooks for 2nd time.
10. bring concoction back to desk… realize you have lost your appetite completely… leave steaming hot bowl of japanese crackhead food on coworker’s desk and go on about your day.

Yeah you’re gonna have to try it yourself. I am afraid. Two things i can’t stand man… milk and shrimp-flavored cup-o-noodles. This is what they feed inmates in the phillipines. I’ll have coffee instead.

Printer Sounds

Interesting… i didn’t realize that printers make all kinds of explosive noises when you hit them.

Already Eager for SantaCon

<– So I had this idea on the way in to work.

Pretty easy to make… and perfect for SantaCon… where spray bottles are the Santas’ hard liquor flask of choice. (Yes i am really fantasizing about a December pub crawl, right NOW)

And it even makes sense in this context. If i fill this spray enough of it in your mouth, it WILL cause ROTFLMAO… and the Santas are fond of chanting “HAW HAW HAW!” instead of “Ho Ho Ho!” =)

More info on SantaCon:
http://santarchy.com/

Amazon Fucking RULES

THING THAT RULES #1:
www.amazon.com/Uranium-Or…pd_sbs_misc

This was funny enough… but look down a little further at “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought:”…. Yes I’d like some forbidden legos and a futurama dvd with my radioactive isotope please.

But wait! Look right above that at “Better Together”… you can buy Uranium Ore WITH Forbidden Legos (the Models Your Parents Warned You Against) for only $46.42!

Actually that Forbidden Legos book looks awesome! So far, from what i can tell, it’s all automatic projectile weapons… but that does raise the interesting question… “Who buys this together with Uranium Ore?”… kinda scary.

THING THAT RULES #2
www.amazon.com/JL421-Bado…pd_sbs_misc

Found it futher down on the same page under “Customer who viewed this item also viewed:” right next to Dr John’s Famous Pee Pee and Duncan Hines Classic Yellow Cake.

A brief read reveals that this thing runs on an air-cooled gasoline engine… NOT the uranium, thank god…

I would TOTALLY own this device. I would TOTARRY mob the fuck out of this thing on the playa… not for $20K or anything… but for cheaper. It looks like Jabba the Hutt’s Mini-Me’s Sand Barge. Not only that, if you look down a little you’ll notice that customers who bought items like this tank also bought mad crotchless panties which totally makes sense. I mean it has to get hot inside that thing right? When you kidnap your mini Princess Leia you have to have the right gear to dress her up in for when she sits at the foot of your slab.

So the plan for burning man this year is as follows…

1. Pick up giant bag of legos from mom’s house.
2. Build Badokadonk Land Cruiser replica out of legos
3. Buy uranium ore and crotchless panties
4. Kidnap midget Carrie Fisher
5. Sit on concrete slab and eat frogs while demanding Solo and the wookie.

So Funny…

I just went to grab a burrito from the vending machine here… it’s one of those carousel-style ones that you turn until you find what you’re looking for… then you put in the required currency and slide the plastic door open to retrieve your snack.

well somebody here stuck a romance novel in there while the door was still open! I wish i had thought to do something like that a long time ago! There are things at my desk here that people might be stoked to get for only $1.25… like these extra laser-mice i have here… i wonder how the vendors would feel about it if I stuck electronics in the vending machine every time i got a burrito or a cup-o-noo-doo? They’d have all this unexplained overage in their machines.

it’s kinda like those mystery lockers at burning man where you can take an item if you leave an item… only this would be all guerilla-urban-style and catch people by total surprise.

The Bullshit Report

Bullshit, like the weather, comes in patterns. cold fronts… low pressure systems….

This week’s forecast: Thick and heavy with a 30% chance of drama.

Get your galoshes on.

Taco Town!

The “Pizza Crepe Taco Chili Bag.” I have to thank the cap’n for introducing me to this gem… i split my sides last night.

www.youtube.com/watch

i love how he screams “taco town” at the end too… omg so funny.

I Thought I’d Heard Them All

I Thought I’d Heard Them All….

but a friend of mine surprised me with some brand new material…

- Your mom is so cross-eyed, when she cries the tears run down her back.

- Your mom is so fat when she tried bungee jumping she went straight to hell.

- Your mom is so fat she keeps pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.

- Your mom is so fat her ass has it’s own congressman.

- Your mom is so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.

- Your mom is so fat she freebases ham.

Scenes From a Weird Evening

During Dinner At My Mother’s Place:

Me: I gotta go Ma… I’m meeting a friend.
Mom: Boy or Girl?
Me: Girl.
Mom: Where?
Me: Downtown.
Mom: She is hooker?!

At The Gas Station By My House:

Man Talking to Himself (but for other people’s benefit) While Pumping Gas Into a Beat Up Convertible 90s Oldsmobile and Obviously High on Some Manner of Meth: All right man….. heh…. yeah….. got a full tank of gas…. a pocket full of cash….. fuckin twelve pack…. ha…. (replaces pump handle and gets in his car while watching me out of the corner of his eye) ready to party man…. let’s go to the strip club! AWRIGHT!!! (starts the engine and peels out with one wheel… out of the gas station parking lot… all the way up the street with the rear shocks dippin’)

Some Corner Facing West In Midtown:

Bicycling Asian Girl I Almost Ran Over: …..  (sees life flash before eyes)
Me: …..  (whispering: “Sorry…”)

How to Catch a Zebra

After much thought and careful planning, I’ve figured out how we’re going to catch and eat this zebra. And by “we”, I mean you and me because I will need an extra set of hands. I have prepared a detailed step-by-step plan, with illustrations, which I have outlined below… please take a moment to consider this operation and daydream about the tasty goodness that we will reap, should we follow through with it.

1) Click our heels three times and go to Africa… or at least buy 2 round-trip tickets and fly there.

2) Dig a large hole in the Serengeti underneath the shade of a tree.

3) Sink a large deep-fryer into this hole, making sure it sits flush with the ground… we will probably have to build this ahead of time which means you’ll have to pay for shipping this thing to Africa, as I am currently short on funds

4) Fill the fryer full of peanut oil and heat it to a boiling temperature. Everybody knows that when you deep-fry a turkey, it locks in all the moisture and flavor… I don’t see why the same wouldn’t hold true for our striped friend…

5) We will cover this with loose twigs and leaves so that it will be hidden.

6) Now we must bait this thing by hanging the Zebra’s favorite food from the tree by a string…(After several days of research I have determined that Zebras like nothing more than Fruit-Stripe Gum… it even has a picture of a zebra on the package! see exhibit-A.)

7) Now we sit back and wait… I recommend bringing a shade-structure and possibly a Game-Boy or something comparable… this might take a while. Rest assured, however, animals fall for this kind of thing all the time… just look at how many dinosaur bones they’ve found in tar-pits…

When we hear the splash, we run up and cover the thing with our giant lid then we wait a few more hours… play a few rounds of tetris… Perhaps this would be a good time to prepare our appetizer and side-dishes. If anyone wants to bring some bacon-wrapped shrimp, I am totally down with that.

9) Turn off the deep fryer and hoist our dinner out. Carve and serve….

As you can see, this plan is infallible. If you have any idea how to make this any easier or more enjoyable, I am open to suggestion. If you have any ideas as far as side-dishes, garnishes, or if you are a saucier, let me know also.