How to Catch a Zebra

After much thought and careful planning, I’ve figured out how we’re going to catch and eat this zebra. And by “we”, I mean you and me because I will need an extra set of hands. I have prepared a detailed step-by-step plan, with illustrations, which I have outlined below… please take a moment to consider this operation and daydream about the tasty goodness that we will reap, should we follow through with it.

1) Click our heels three times and go to Africa… or at least buy 2 round-trip tickets and fly there.

2) Dig a large hole in the Serengeti underneath the shade of a tree.

3) Sink a large deep-fryer into this hole, making sure it sits flush with the ground… we will probably have to build this ahead of time which means you’ll have to pay for shipping this thing to Africa, as I am currently short on funds

4) Fill the fryer full of peanut oil and heat it to a boiling temperature. Everybody knows that when you deep-fry a turkey, it locks in all the moisture and flavor… I don’t see why the same wouldn’t hold true for our striped friend…

5) We will cover this with loose twigs and leaves so that it will be hidden.

6) Now we must bait this thing by hanging the Zebra’s favorite food from the tree by a string…(After several days of research I have determined that Zebras like nothing more than Fruit-Stripe Gum… it even has a picture of a zebra on the package! see exhibit-A.)

7) Now we sit back and wait… I recommend bringing a shade-structure and possibly a Game-Boy or something comparable… this might take a while. Rest assured, however, animals fall for this kind of thing all the time… just look at how many dinosaur bones they’ve found in tar-pits…

When we hear the splash, we run up and cover the thing with our giant lid then we wait a few more hours… play a few rounds of tetris… Perhaps this would be a good time to prepare our appetizer and side-dishes. If anyone wants to bring some bacon-wrapped shrimp, I am totally down with that.

9) Turn off the deep fryer and hoist our dinner out. Carve and serve….

As you can see, this plan is infallible. If you have any idea how to make this any easier or more enjoyable, I am open to suggestion. If you have any ideas as far as side-dishes, garnishes, or if you are a saucier, let me know also.

Tags: food, haw, swami, zebra