When Life Hands You Shrimp Ramen… Make Seafood Bisque.

Thanks to budget cuts, our cupboards at work are getting barer by the day. The nuts and raisins bin is empty. The multi-grain bread has been replaced with a sad solitary loaf of generic white bread. And the somehow-mandatory supply of chicken flavored cup-o-noodles has been replenished with the most ridiculous collection of shrimp flavored cup-o-noodles i’ve ever seen. Old Mother Hubbard is having a laugh at me. It’s the same price right? Why shrimp? In case an auditor comes through here and looks in the cupboards? “yup… they’re not splurging… nobody would buy shrimp cup-o-noodles voluntarily.”

Anyway… my coworker and i have been joking about it ever since we found this recipe online… so she says to me “Hey i think you KNOW what this means. The universe is trying to tell you to make that bisque.”

“Dammit” i say. For she is right.

Here’s how it works:
1. go to kitchen and open shrimp cup o noodle package
2. peel back lid.
3. pour milk into cup up to line.
4. shake head in disbelief.
5. covertly stand in front of microwave so nobody sees what you’re doing.
6. clean up milk that has boiled over and reduce power of microwave to 50%
7. add a little water
8. throw away epic failure of a lunch… start over.
9. eat some chips while “bisque” cooks for 2nd time.
10. bring concoction back to desk… realize you have lost your appetite completely… leave steaming hot bowl of japanese crackhead food on coworker’s desk and go on about your day.

Yeah you’re gonna have to try it yourself. I am afraid. Two things i can’t stand man… milk and shrimp-flavored cup-o-noodles. This is what they feed inmates in the phillipines. I’ll have coffee instead.

Top Ramen vs. Cup O Noodles

which is it gonna be?

And don’t say “neither”…. Don’t play like you’re above eating teh instant noodles… you know damn well you’ve done it… and you know you have an opinion too.

Hella Fuckin Dinner B!

Chicken “Katsu” Don…

1 tbsp sugar
2 tbsp Mirin
1 tbsp soy
1 cup sliced green onions
1 cup sliced white onion
1.5 cups of dashi soup stock or equivalent (i used mabo soup base paste w/ 1.5 cups of water)

Combine ingredients and Simmer

Slice and brown 2 whole chicken breasts in 2 tbsp of sesame oil

Combine with soup and simmer down… ALLLLL the way down… then at the last minute pour in 4 beaten eggs and let cook, stirring occasionally until done.

Serve over white rice, preferably in bowl

Sprinkle seaweed and sesame seeds on top if you prefer.

Tried it last night on a whim and it came out PERFECT!!

Taco Town!

The “Pizza Crepe Taco Chili Bag.” I have to thank the cap’n for introducing me to this gem… i split my sides last night.

www.youtube.com/watch

i love how he screams “taco town” at the end too… omg so funny.

Everything’s Better With Bacon

nothing in this world would make me happier right now than a baked potato with butter, sour cream and chives and lots and lots of bacon pieces crumbled up in it.

Goddamn I can almost smell it!

Ok honestly it’s the bacon pieces I’m really after here… you can keep the rest.

This weekend is gonna be great. At Wilderbeats my friends and I are going to host a theme camp… a la burning man… and the theme is “Bloody Cake ‘n’ Bacon”… which stands for Bloody Marys and Bacon-Wrapped-Chocolate-Cake-Pieces.

Original? Yes. Foolish? Yes. Tasty? Well that remains to be seen but Mo and Phyllis who rightfully stole this idea from a brilliant white trash camp at Burning Flipside swear to it’s deliciousness. Yes that’s a word.

So if seeing SeventhSwami and Algorhythm this weekend wasn’t enough reason for you to come to Wilderbeats this weekend, now you have this to look forward to. (Forest Hill area… email me for more info).. oh and i hear someone will have a spinning dildo-copter hat… so you got that going for you as well…

Oh and I designed a few shirts (shown above and below) for us… So if you arrive early enough to get while the gettin’ is good I might have some iron-on prints or stickers left for you to help commemorate the day you ate ambrosia.

How to Catch a Zebra

After much thought and careful planning, I’ve figured out how we’re going to catch and eat this zebra. And by “we”, I mean you and me because I will need an extra set of hands. I have prepared a detailed step-by-step plan, with illustrations, which I have outlined below… please take a moment to consider this operation and daydream about the tasty goodness that we will reap, should we follow through with it.

1) Click our heels three times and go to Africa… or at least buy 2 round-trip tickets and fly there.

2) Dig a large hole in the Serengeti underneath the shade of a tree.

3) Sink a large deep-fryer into this hole, making sure it sits flush with the ground… we will probably have to build this ahead of time which means you’ll have to pay for shipping this thing to Africa, as I am currently short on funds

4) Fill the fryer full of peanut oil and heat it to a boiling temperature. Everybody knows that when you deep-fry a turkey, it locks in all the moisture and flavor… I don’t see why the same wouldn’t hold true for our striped friend…

5) We will cover this with loose twigs and leaves so that it will be hidden.

6) Now we must bait this thing by hanging the Zebra’s favorite food from the tree by a string…(After several days of research I have determined that Zebras like nothing more than Fruit-Stripe Gum… it even has a picture of a zebra on the package! see exhibit-A.)

7) Now we sit back and wait… I recommend bringing a shade-structure and possibly a Game-Boy or something comparable… this might take a while. Rest assured, however, animals fall for this kind of thing all the time… just look at how many dinosaur bones they’ve found in tar-pits…

When we hear the splash, we run up and cover the thing with our giant lid then we wait a few more hours… play a few rounds of tetris… Perhaps this would be a good time to prepare our appetizer and side-dishes. If anyone wants to bring some bacon-wrapped shrimp, I am totally down with that.

9) Turn off the deep fryer and hoist our dinner out. Carve and serve….

As you can see, this plan is infallible. If you have any idea how to make this any easier or more enjoyable, I am open to suggestion. If you have any ideas as far as side-dishes, garnishes, or if you are a saucier, let me know also.