cats
Fireball Kitteh
So we have one of those gas-heaters that stands on the wall… about 5.5 feet tall… has a little door at the bottom where you can access the pilot and the whole mechanism… Many times we have turned on the thermostat and heard the gas ignite after it’s had a little too much time to build up… causing the downstairs windows to rattle from the pressure change. Once, recently, i was waiting for the pilot to light and watching the thing, and saw a pretty decent curl of flame jump out of the thing.
Shit… i thought… my cat sleeps in front of this thing sometimes. He is actually sleeping in front of it RIGHT NOW… and he’s fortunately slept through it…
I wasn’t worried too badly about it because i only saw the heater do that once, and when he was laying there in front of the thing he was low enough that the flame missed him by about 8 inches.
Today however, I get home and emily shows me the evidence of fucking Stunt-Cat’s latest brush with the great attractor… Not only are all his whiskers singed, but take a look at the red outline on this photo… that whole area is kinda crispy to the touch. Just the tips… (just to see what it feels like…) but yeah… time to talk to the landlord.
Printer Sounds
Interesting… i didn’t realize that printers make all kinds of explosive noises when you hit them.
My Cat… the Flying Squirrel
Three of our best friends came to stay with us for the weekend to help celebrate Emily’s birthday. Along with them came a baby and 2 chihuahuas… Our cats were feeling slightly displaced due to this. But lately i’ve granted them unfettered acccess to the upstairs balcony so i figured i’d leave the door open so they could wander in and out and everyone would be happy.
Not so… Early on Sunday morning Rudy decided to bail on our little party. Our apartments don’t allow cats to wander around the premises (even though several do anyway) so i checked out the balcony situation thorougly and deduced that there was no way for them to get down from there… Rudy disagreed. I awoke to him yowling like a baby outside and when i came down to investigate, he was standing there by the front door with loads of sap stuck between his toes. Apparently he launched off the balcony, right into the little fir tree or whatever that is outside our neighbor’s front door.
Not sure if he’ll try this shit again but he seemed shaken up enough by it… i didn’t ban him from the balcony after that and he hasn’t jumped again yet… so we’ll see i guess.
Ceiling Cat Iz Papercrft Now
tubbypaws.blogspot.com/2008/0…ts.html
ok now this is funny. Thanks Blossom for finding this!
Collecting Cat Poop For My Mother
OK so this one time… at my mom’s house… my crazy mother was in the back yard doing some watering when she saw this big clump of mud stuck to the side of the house, on the underside of the eaves. “Flying Grasshoppers” were flying in and out of it she said. So she grabbed a shovel and knocked it off the side of the house. Bad move.
If you know my mother at all you know that it takes more than being attacked by a hive of wasps to frighten her. Instead she got mad, went and grabbed a rake and a can of Formula 409 and went to town on them… She waged war on an entire hive of wasps, in flight, with a rake and an AEROSOL can of Formula 409 with a Gemco price tag on it’s rusty bottom. (meaning this can was over 15 years old at the time)
She called me 3 days later, saying that the “stupid flyer grasshoppers” bit her and she was swollen up in bed for the last 3 days. My mother achieved celebrity status among my friends for this one. My friend Joe still has the can of 409 that i confiscated from her on a shelf in his garage.
So now she has a gopher problem. I have never dealt with a gopher problem before and I’ve never seen them at that house… i pulled up the other day and the front lawn looked like scattered shit. I’m guessing the construction a block away flushed them out and they migrated over to her street.
Anyway it looks like she has developed another famous home-brewed-remedy for pest-removal… She’s been digging the dirt out to expose the holes and then pours bleach down the holes. I can totally see her funny logic here. She has always poured bleach down clogged drains and so here, to her, is another problem in the form of a hole in the ground. Of course the bleach is just going to soak into the dirt right under the hole… unless gophers make their tunnels out of pipes or something… or they tunnel up from the center of the earth in a straight line so the bleach just falls until it pegs the gopher right in the mouth or something. At the very least, we know that no grass is going to grow wherever she pours that shit… not for a long time.
So after bagging on her for a bit, she asks me to build a better gopher trap. I go online and look up gopher removal and I find this: www.american-lawns.com/proble…ut.html Apparantly you can pour used cat litter down gopher holes to get rid of them. Cats are one of the gopher’s natural predators and they freak out when they catch the scent of cat droppings. They think they’re in cat territory and they bail.
If that turns out to be a load of shit (no pun intended) then I’m going to buy her a big wooden mallet so she can sit there and wait for their little heads to pop up and then try to smash them.
E40 vs Michel’le
****** My bedroom… Saturday morning… 5:30 AM ******
“Is that that fucking cat?”
“yeah he’s restless.”
“He’d better not be getting poop on his cone again… HEY POOP-CONE.. what are you doing?” *turns on light*
“He’s not peeing on anything is he?”
*shutting off light* No he’s ok… that cone is just loud when he’s banging around in the dark… he sounds like a flashlight rolling around in a drawer.”
“Hey do you remember that song , Nicety?” www.youtube.com/watch
“Oh my god… you did NOT just say Nicety.”
“You remember it? ‘Some people say I’m nice… Some people say I’m nasty…’”
“Ugh… i hated that song!”
“WHY? That song was funny!”
“That’s as bad as fucking Slurricane.” www.youtube.com/watch
“No way dude! That was Dr. Dré!”
“Shut… the fuck… up! That was not Dr. Dré!”
“Dr. Dré did Nicety with Michel’le.”
“You’re kidding me. How could Dré write something that lame?”
“well it was Michel’le too.”
“You honestly think that song is better than Slurricane?”
“Slurricane doesn’t mean ANYTHING… E40 just threw two words together that don’t go.”
“What about Nicety?”
“‘Nicety’ is Nice and Nasty combined… If you are both nice and nasty then you are ‘Nicety’.. what the hell is Slurricane?”
“Hurricane and Slurring… which is what happens to E-40 when he’s had too much Hurricane.”
“Ok well that makes some sense i guess.”
“I’m not saying Slurricane is BETTER… I’m saying Slurricane and Nicety are EQUALLY bad songs.”
“I don’t think so…”
“Babe…”
“Hmm?”
“Did we REALLY just wake up at 5:30 in the morning to talk about this?”
Cone Cat
Poor goddamn Rudy came slinking up onto the porch last night with blood all over his neck… at first i thought it was a fresh bite but it turned out to be a ruptured abcess from an OLD bite… which i remember happening last week…
Either way when i rinsed his wound and realized how big it was, i decided to drive him over to Mueller’s.. the trusty all-night vet here in town.
Amazingly, they said that awful gash would heal on it’s own and they cleaned him and gave me a few weeks worth of antibiotics that I am to administer orally twice a day… and judging by the bukakke action that went down this morning, i’d say i have to improve my accuracy.
I hate pet antics like this… one day everything is going fine and you have 200 extra bucks to play with and then your cat comes staggering in with grenade wounds and suddenly you’re going home on your lunches to make cheese sandwiches and feed your cat through an eyedropper.
I am so totally not ready to have kids.
R.I.P. Padooey
Pardon me while I ugoogolize…
Well right about now Padooey, the cat who shared the majority of my adult life with me, is going in to be put to sleep. Last night we had a farewell party for him… He had a nice soft steak dinner. His dad and his original owner were there with him… many tears were shed and many fond memories were relived. Many hangovers persist today.
Padooey lived an incredible 17 1/2 years full of luxury, good eats, amazing friends and occasionally high-action. He loved to sleep in your bed. He loved to play mother to all the new kittens who we adopted and invited in over the years. Padooey was highly sentient and super-affectionate. He knew when you were sad and would come radiate his energy all over you. He was always the first to greet you when you’d come home.
Padooey, we always said you were more than a cat. You were some kind of high-powered mutant never intended for mass-production. They don’t make many Padoos… but every time I find one I see you in there, looking out at me. You were the quintessential perfect pet.
Fare thee well Padoo. You were and always will be loved by so many. Be sure to look up Ikcus when you get where you’re going and see what his raggedy ass is doing. And go find Joe’s grandpa and sit on his lap for a while. He’d like that.
My Cat is Driving Me to Drink
If you are a designer… try to avoid using a portfolio with fabric-bound covers….
there is nothing quite so silly as taking a lint brush to your portfolio every time you have to share it with a prospective client….
and just to drive the point home, while typing this, my cat decided to sit right on top of the damn thing
![](http://www.seventhswami.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/twit.png")
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